Former Vice President Al Gore has done a great deed for the world.  Who of our pathetic species, except maybe movie stars, would have the depth and fortitude to look humanity in the eye and tell the “Inconvenient Truth”?  What better illustration of the true meaning of the environmentalist movement than Al Gore?  This Brave New World Man is the microcosm of the future “protected” Earth.  Let’s analyze this icon and prophet to see his vision of the future:

            In the New World of environmentalist theology all human interaction with environment, or “footprint”, will be regulated by those who know better than the “lesser” people what is necessary to maintain the tightrope act we have obliviously maintained for thousands of years over the boiling cauldron of global warming apocalypse.  Thank Gore that we no longer will have out of control humans daring to utilize the planet’s resources to better their lives.  Lucky for us we will have paralyzing fear of impending doom to keep us in line, but Gorist government will insure that no one will dare pursue the ancient evil that threatened us all with extinction, capitalism.

            Every day the world does not burst into flames we can thank Gore for his protection.  His genius of “carbon offsets” will insure that only the elite (like Gore) who deserve it can utilize natural resources to maintain a high quality of life and continue the Great Work of traveling the world in luxury, enlightening the peasants to just how close they come every day to living in an ashtray.  Like Al the Prophet says, the environmental God is a vengeful God who is just waiting for that one extra light bulb to light and… Boom!  Sure, it’s really cold here, but you know what the Prophet says about campfires.  A campfire requires a 250 dollar carbon offset (a tithe graciously accepted by the Prophet); maybe we can afford a fire next month.   Besides, huddling for warmth and eating dirt will do wonders for family bonding.

            Gore has taught us so much, let us recite the trinity:

1) Polar Bears cannot swim.

2) The best way to reduce emissions is to only let rich people emit, and make sure there are no more rich people created.

3) When the Prophet declares the discussion is over, the discussion is OVER, Goredammit.